3.0

Switching gears here to talk about professional growth and how I went from 1.0 to 3.0. When I talk about my growth in relation to these numbers, I always get asked, What happened to 2.0. My reply has that was an engineering release (for my software friends).

When you are young starting out in your career, being a motivated and driven analyst is praised and often encouraged. I capitalized on that. It became the foundation of how I got the work done and the questions answered.

As you start advancing in your career and move into management and leadership positions, what you may have done as an analyst, needs refining. The outspoken bulldog persona that made you the Rockstar analyst has you now being portrayed as difficult to work with and also leaving you confused, lost and frustrated.

Here is my story…..

I am the team lead working a big contract. We have critical milestones that need to be met on an aggressive schedule. The contractor who we are trying to put on contract isn’t always the easiest to work with. My counterpart would make commitments and then at the last minute, change things which would delay our progress. Every delay was a delay yo our program and risk to losing money. So, you can see why I would be frustrated. They wanted to play hard ball…… well I could too. The only thing is, I was hurting myself, not them. Our contracts lead, bless her soul, reach out to me and said, hey, I think we need to take a different strategy. I need you to be nice Ann (name changed to protect the innocent….lol). I looked at her with this strange look and her response was……. Hear me out with this…. the end, I understood where she was coming from and It Worked! They didn’t know how to act and actually asked our contracts lead….. What had gotten into me….. In a good way.

Welcome 3.0……

I needed this especially if I have the desire to continue to advance. I needed to transform that Bulldog into a Strategic mastermind…..hahahaha….. that is still a work in progress. If it wasn’t for our contracts lead, I would still be 1.0 so I am eternally grateful for the mentoring. I continue to choose my words wisely, think before I speak and always look for the win-win.

**Warning** May cause headaches it is only temporary. Continued practice will create a habit that will then become part of your daily routine.

Caregiver

I hear this term a lot. My family and friends describe me as a Caregiver because my husband has cancer. Me…. I don’t see it that way. I see myself as his wife. As we said in our vows…. For Better, For Worse, In Sickness, and in Health. We have experienced all of these. I am his wife. I know it is really a harmless term, but I feel that the term has just changed my role from wife to nurse. My love for him as his wife has not changed since I fell in love with him many years ago. We still “do” husband and wife “things”. I’m not sure everyone will understand where I am coming from, but some will and know they are not alone in their thinking and feeling…. how dare you change my role! Ok… lol…. maybe not that dramatic.

The term Caregiver seems to be used selectively (if that is not a word it should be!). There are a few meanings to what qualifies as a caregiver and yes, I could probably fit within some of them….but so could any Mother or Wife. Not to leave the men out who may read this…. Father or Husband too.

The things that make you go hmmmm…..

Heartbroken and Helpless

You feel heartbroken when your husband tells you he feels like he did before being diagnosed with cancer, run down and tired all the time with a fever and chills. You feel helpless because this whole weekend he has not had the energy to do anything and there is nothing you can do about it.

Last night, as we are laying in bed with our arms wrapped around each other, he apologizes for not spending any time with us. My heart just sank because I could hear the scaredness in his voice and I said, don’t be sorry for anything. Your body needs time to adjust to the new meds and now that you are on immunotherapy, its different. You body is fighting is fighting the cancer cells. Think of it as having the flu. We have keep hope that this treatment is working because of how you are feeling, even though I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better.

We then squeezed each other a little tighter and I fell asleep.

Mixed Emotions

Yep, another post….. and right now I have no followers so this is pretty much a living diary.

Ever go through a traumatic situation or something impactful where the person you thought would be there for you isn’t? This is happening to me right now. It hurts so much that you just want to scream in their face every time you see them and say HELLO!!!!! What is wrong with you?! Can’t you see that I need you!! Most days I just want to cry because they aren’t there. Then I get mad and then I say I’m over it, but really, I’m not. Then on the other side, I start thinking that maybe they think they feel they are being there for me. But really, they are absent. Then you have friends who feel they should be included on your group updates, yet they have only reached out twice and mainly to say how “they aren’t good at this stuff but there here if we need them.” Uhhhhh…… Thanks…..

So, I go through a myriad amount of emotions throughout the day. I’m normally a positive person. But yoyou have to train your brain for it to be a habit. That doesn’t mean I dont cry and that happens at odd times….. listening to music, a scene in a movie, or just a thought. Even though crying is a release, in my mind I feel weak. I cry alone because my husband doesn’t need the additional hurt and I need to be strong for him and our son. To get through the days, I start with positive and motivational quotes and I end the day with them. It’s what helps me. Try it for yourself but you have to keep up with it till it becomes a habit. Then you will feel the positive change.

You will find that even on your loneliest days, these quotes will keep you going. That and your family needs you so you will do whatever it takes to be their rock through the pounding storm.

The wine helps too! 😉🥂🍷

Good for the Soul

It’s Sunday and I was just thinking about the wine I had with dinner last night. It was so good! I mean it wasn’t just the taste but the smoothness as it rolled across my tongue. Like silk on skin. The was no initial bite of getting used to it or letting it breathe. Now, this is my kind of wine! The name on the bottle is Confidential Reserva Tinto – Red 2012 from Portugal. It received a 92 Editors Choice from Wine Enthusiast and now I see why.

It was just what I needed. Good for the Heart and Good for the Soul.

Surprise!

A year and a half ago, our world was ROCKED! Like we were being stoned in all different directions. For me emotionally and for my husband physically and emotionally. You ever feel like everything is on fast forward but you are moving in slow motion? This is how it was. For me, it was like a switch. There was no time to fall apart. Now don’t get me wrong, when the doctor came out and told me it was metastatic Stage 4 cancer, all I could think about was…..OMG this not good. Then it was, ok, what do we need to do to get my husband back?

In my life, I’ve always thought I could handle anything. I’m a very independent person, even married. I didn’t need any help. Well, I am so thankful that I was not alone that day when the doctor told me the news. The first stone casted right at my heart. I didn’t know what to do. My husband has cancer. There were so many things running through my head…… is my husband going to die….. how much time do we have….. how do I tell our son….. what will our bills look like….and I still needed to call his parents.

Fast forward…… PET scans and tests showed his CEA tumor marker numbers (another term I quickly learned) were over 3700. Next was scheduling radiation, a port and then chemo appointments.and I would be there for 99.9% of all of them and still to this day. I was able to slide in a second opinion and that visit helped ease our mind some that they were on the same page with our local Oncologist.

All this with no family to help which is story for another day. Thank goodness for our friends. The saying “Family isn’t always blood” is true in our case. We are so blessed with the support we have had from our friends and especially our doctors! If it wasn’t for the Doctors making my husband a priority, I would probably be a widow right now.

10 targeted radiation treatments and it shrinks the tumor. We start chemo treatments and everything is going well. After 6 months of chemo his CEA numbers come down from 3700+ to 23.6! I mean, how do you not get excited about that! Until the next apt where the numbers increase and you know that it means the chemo is becoming less effective. You appreciate your doctor trying to lessen the blow but you know what it means. Your heart sinks. Together you cry and then you get back up and you keep fighting. You start another round of chemo and this one makes him feel so sick. It’s heartbreaking to hear your husband tell you that he doesn’t want to die. As he lays in bed I hold his hand and kiss his cheek with tears rolling down my face and tell him how much I love him and we are going to get through this together.

So up to Georgetown we go to see what they can do to save my husband. Not evey day is a good day and most days I feel helpless. We cry and we get mad but the one thing we don’t do, is give up. Even on the darkest days….we will never give up!

About me….

Where do I start…… I’m a woman in my 40’s, happily married (most days 😉), I love my wine….. oh….and my husband has cancer.

Bear with me future friends as this is my first time blogging. I dont normally spill my guts but if there is one person who can relate, that I can help, then it has all been worth it!.

Also, I’m not an english major, so I am sure that I will mispell words and sound like I’m talking a different language. If it makes you giggle and smile….then i did it on purpose!

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